CW: Mentions of a certain Vtuber fandom, and slight depression.
This post was originally posted on December 29th, 2023. This post is the reworked version by the author to make it less depressing without changing the real meaning from the original, and was made by the author’s free will.
Please do not make this post as part of your content in social media (YouTube, X/Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Reddit, etc.) without my permission. However, sharing the link of this post is fine.
The year (at the time of writing) is 2023. At first, I thought I could get out of my burnout and mental fatigue from 2022 by becoming a freelancer. Turns out, freelancing was harder than I thought. Thankfully, my family supports my freelancing career, even helped me find possible clients. Of course, the income was definitely not the same as my previous job, but I’ve managed to upgrade my PC. Yay!
2023 was also one of my hardest year. There were too many of negative news regarding my favourite band of local Vtubers, who graduated each month since April 2023. In addition, the “fan-base” seemed to unanimously gave up on cheering their favourite Vtubers (at least, in my POV). At the same time, most of these local Vtuber vibes are just…depressing, sadly. I understand there are many factors that lead to decline, in which I have mentioned one of them in my previous post. Right now, I don’t want to divulge too deep into that matter.
I tried to do something about this declining phenomenon by discussing it with the “fan-base”, however… Long story short, I wasn’t got any support, both the Vtuber (some of them, not all) and their “fan-base” are giving up, which ultimately made my decision to left that “fan-base”, disappointed. And at that point…became one of my darkest moments in my (fandom) life.
At that time, I felt like I’m really lost, grieving. Because I felt like I failed to cheer up my favourite fandom, and then I had a very dangerous “thought”. Now, before you guys got alarmed, don’t worry. I’ve never follow through with that “thought” because I’ve got somewhat of an indirect help…in which I will talk about in a bit.
Anyway, back to topic. I did express my feelings of sadness and uneasiness to my family, friends and psychiatrist. As expected, many of them still not quite understand the Youtuber/Vtuber culture, even though I’ve already explained those in layman’s terms. I was feeling a mix of sadness, loneliness, and a slight relief. At the very least, they are listening to my story, even trying to understand my point of view and validate my feelings.
Sometimes, I felt disappointed and angry, too. But not towards my family, friends, the psychiatrist, or even at the content creators that positively inspired me.
Rather, I was feeling angry, disappointed and sad towards many toxic people on the internet who love to create harmful drama and rumours on social media, using other people (in this case, Vtubers/general content creator) as a scapegoat for their bad behaviour, and harass other people for the sake of harassing…just because of an office’s mismanagement that a handful of these content creators are working under.
I have no intention to defend that office’s management; however, I agree that they must own and amend their mistakes towards their workers (a.k.a. the content creators), collaborators and fans.
There were much negativity in 2023, so let’s introspect ourselves in the new year.
Now, let’s talk about the best of news. 2023 is also the year when I officially quit Twitter for good. Before quitting Twitter, I’ve already registered to blorbo.social on Mastodon, and I’m glad people on Mastodon (and the Fediverse) welcomed me warmly. Since I’ve already left Twitter, I don’t have to deal with its drama and the risk of getting bird-jailed.
Earlier this year, I participated in Luxiem’s 2nd Anniversary story book fan-project with Luxiem Fancord ID. Unlike the “fan-base”, this fancord people are very chill and talented. I’m really happy and glad the project turned out well.
At the start of August this year, I joined Blaugust 2023 and set up my blog for the first time. Having a blog is such a breath of fresh air for me, and I’ve got to meet new people as well!
Moreover, I began to set up my YouTube channel. It’s far from perfect, but I’m having fun with the process of making videos and trying new things to improve my videos. I’m still learning how to YouTube, after all. Speaking of YouTube, I’ve begun to enjoy many new local content creators out there. Or rather, I’m learning to enjoy and accept them when they’re appeared in my YouTube recommendation feed. I’m also still enjoying some old content creators that are still present, while learning to appreciate them at the same time.
Remember the part when I mentioned having a “dangerous thought”? In 2023, there was a moment where I felt like…done with all the bullcrap by the “fan-base” and toxic social media timelines.
And then… Whether this was fate or mere coincidence, I found a short clip of a Vtuber in which I often call him ‘my muse’. I can’t say the name or where he’s from, and I won’t share the link of the clip or the whole stream either. However, he said something along the lines of:
“Don’t die! If you do that, I’ll be angry. Live, for my sake.”
The whole context of the clip was just some fans swoon over their kamioshi… However, I’ve begun to ponder that quote for a while. Deep down, I understand that I can’t just live only for his sake. But still… I’m glad I found that clip*. This is the indirect help that I mentioned above. He saved me from going through with my “dangerous thought”, even though he had no idea…
Well, as a token of gratitude, I guess I’ll keep on living.
Furthermore, along this year… I realize that I wanted some characters for my account. Yep, I’m talking about Genshin Impact and Honkai: Star Rail. I’m glad I’ve got Kafka, Ayato, Guinaifen and Welt. At the time of writing, I’m aiming for Navia and Ruan Mei. I also still want to have fun with the game alongside my friends who are also hyped. I still want to see what Snezhnaya and Khaenri’ah will look like, I’m still curious about March 7th character’s story, I want to see more of Pom-Pom…
Around October, I’ve already unsubscribed to anything related to those that gives me pain, even though that very same thing gave me joy in the past. At the time of writing, I still like them, because they deserve all the kindness and understanding (and still are. I don’t want them to lose their heart, either). But in the end, I chose myself more. I’m saddened by my own decision, but maybe it’s for the best…
Still, I’m grateful for my current favourite content creators that are still here. I’m glad I joined Blaugust. I’m glad I moved to Mastodon, left Twitter and never going back. Again, I’m glad I found that Vtuber clip. I’m glad that I still have a healthy family and supportive group of friends.
My wish for 2024 is I want Furina when she has her rerun banner. I wish to be healed from this Vtuber grief. Speaking of, I wish to get to know a therapist/psychologist who understands Vtuber grief better. Moreover, I wish to get better at YouTube and WordPress, in which I have to work on those, I know.
In conclusion, 2023 has been really hard for my mental health. However, this year also presented me with many opportunities, one of which brought me whole fresh ideas, and an upgraded PC!
Even so, I want to learn to appreciate more of any content creators that are still present, and the new, local content creators as well. I don’t want to become like the “fan-base” who proudly gave up on themselves, or those toxic people who love to spread toxicity for the sake of it. And then, I want to have fun on YouTube and want to keep on writing. I still have something to do in this life, after all.
May 2024 be kinder and gentler towards us all.
*If, by some twist of fate, you found this post… Firstly, I apologize if this post made you feel uncomfortable or upset in some way. Secondly, thank you for your time to read this post, even though this is just my ramblings at the end of the year.
And also… Thank you very much, for being there, for being here. I pray 2024 will be kinder and gentler towards you and the people around you as well.
Please take care of yourself, stay strong, don’t lose heart, and be well.
